October 6, 2014
100 Things to do In Prison
Last week, a friend of mine began asking me questions about prison. He closed our call by asking me to quickly name 100 Things to do in Prison. I asked him to write down my answers as I began rattling them off. My quick responses follow:
100. Bocce Ball
99. Play tennis
98. Get married
97. Write a book
96. Sleep 18-hours a day
95. Fast
94. Ice Cream for Breakfast
93. Make fun of guards for guarding, not correcting
92. Read a book a day
91. Build your vocabulary
90. Teach a class
89. Complain, all day
88. Blame the judge for your plight in life
87. Blame the prosecutor for your plight in life
86. Blow 300 phone minutes in 7 days
85. Spend your whole commissary limit in one shopping
84. Visit
83. Get divorced
82. Go to the hole aka SHU.
81. Use a cell phone, then watch you get locked up and sent to a medium security prison
80. Snitch
79. Talk to the guards
78. Smuggle out a hard boiled egg from the chow hall and get sent to the hole
77. Change the channel in TV room and get reprimanded by Big Homie in TV room.
76. fall into a state of depression when football season ends
75. fail a drug test
74. cry about not getting enough halfway house time
73. Become a paralegal
72. Become a jailhouse lawyer
71. Layout
70. learn to cut food without the benefit of a knife
69. get sent to a higher security prison
68. gamble
67. teach
66. play music
65. get a chair dropped on your head for cutting in line
64. learn how the BOP makes money of the backs of prisoners
63. secure a job in the halfway house
62. laugh as men talk about the money they have while wondering why they have no $ for commissary
61. get fatter
60. get slimmer
59. buy into the rumors about legislative relief
58. ignore your family
57. sit for hours watching the clock tick
56. complain about the rationing of toilet paper
55. wake early to find peace while dorm sleeps
54. learn to sleep through any noise or smell
53. watch in disbelief as you work in kitchen with men who questioned existence of Holocaust
52. create a plan to reach thousands of people
51. spend 20 minutes getting the cheapest floss ever made out of your teeth
50. nearly break your leg while jumping down from top bunk
49. watch in disbelief as guards need 2 attempts to get accurate count for census count
48. watch in disbelief as guards need 4 attempts to get accurate count for census count
47. exercise without weights
46. learn a second language
45. enroll in a community college
44. contribute to University research projects
43. trade the stock market
42. wonder who put up platitudes on the fence on the softball field about “helping offenders prepare for re-entry”
41. look like a science experiment when they run the troubled high schoolers through the dorm to show what could be in “store for them”
40. appreciate the wonderful songs prisoners sing on holidays
39. watch men freak out if their dorm does not win the cleanliness inspection
38. learn to public speak
37. see prisoners struggle due to totally inadequate medical attention
36. learn benefits of being a loner
35. loathe men who watch the Kardashians and Sons of Anarchy all day, then call home to complain how hard prison is
34. enroll in RDAP
33. get a bachelors degree
32. get a master defree
31. get a PHD
30. suffer from Stockholm Syndrome
29. have the best meal of your life
28. Outcrew
27. develop perspective on life
26. learn the prisoners who say they did not cooperate, cooperated
25. pay men to do your work
24.watch in disbelief as guards need 7 attempts to get accurate count for census count
23. see almost every tattoo imaginable
22. watch men not want to leave
21. see men return only to say, “ain’t no chances coming for a felon”
20. learn how much you can actually do with a book of stamps
19. learn to live out of a small locker
18. embrace having to listen to unsolicited advice
17. find joy in reading the LA times from the previous week
16. bingo
15. wonder if this will ever end
14. interview fellow prisoners
13. escape
12. become obsessed with Ayn Rand
11.wonder why taxpayers are so disinterested in our systems of corrections that makes failures of so many
10.find joy in scrubbing pots and pans in the chow hall
9. drop friends in an instant if their plan does not align with yours
8. learn to tell your story with precision
7. become an expert in something
6. obsess over how you will tell your unborn children you went to prison
5. dream
4. reclaim my dignity and self esteem
3. learn to love living without an iPhone, text and email
2.learn to think like an underdog
1. access daily whether my actions align with my values and goals
