8/14/14 –
Now more than ever it seems that I'm always worrying about my future. One thing I know for sure is that I'll be sober, free from the grips of a destructive addiction to substances. One day at a time I'll continue to fight, placing my sobriety at the forefront of my life, knowing that nothing else is possible without my sobriety. What I don't know for sure, and what really scares me is how I'm going to survive, support myself and my family financially and prepare for retirement, will I even be able to retire one day, or will I just have to work until I die?... Not a day goes by in here that I don't think about these important aspects of my future. When I step out of this razor wired containment I'll be 36 years of age, without a penny to my name, a car to drive in, or a home of my own to go to. I'll be starting my life over completely, having to work extra hard to save money for even the most bare essentials required in life. I'll be just like any other 18 year old kid, out on his own, ready to start adult life, but I don't have my whole life ahead of me, I have two children, one starts college this year and I can't do a thing for her right now other than cheer her on, tell her how proud I am and to keep up the good work. I have many hopes, dreams and aspirations for my future, attaining them will be far from easy at my age and status as a convicted felon with a history of theft, robbery and addiction to powerful substances. My future is not going to be easy, it will be a struggle every day, but one thing I know for sure is that my life will be full of love for my family and friends, I will cherish my sobriety, always remembering how far I've come and always focusing on how far I want to continue going, always setting new goals and working each day to achieve them. My future won’t be easy, I guess that's just a part of life, I look forward to the road ahead, ready to embark on this new journey.
8/15/14 –
My celly, Kurt and I decided to sign up for this class called F.O.C.U.S. ( Facing Our Circumstances Under Stress ) We've been in this class for a while now, we're about twelve or thirteen weeks in and it's almost over with. Kurt and I both knew that we weren't going to like this class after the first or second time showing up, but we both decided that we would never quit something we started, making a commitment to finishing what we signed up for. Like Michael Santos once wrote about some of the classes he participated in, pointing out many of the inmates thinking errors, focusing on the superficial, talking and acting one way in the classroom and living the opposite way in everyday prison life amongst the inmates. This is much of what I have seen in this class, which is facilitated by inmates. I can see right through the fake facade some of these guys are displaying for the staff that monitor this class and the parole board that they are all hoping to get released by one day. Now of course I can't 'knock' their decision to do this, or their intentions to try to do whatever they can to get released from prison which is a lot more than some of these guys are doing. But what made me sick was listening to one of the inmates, who is in fact the 'President' of this class begin telling the class his story of how he murdered his wife while in prison, already serving time for another murder. As I listened to him brag about killing his wife during a conjugal visit, while his children were waiting for them in the visitation room I began to get sick to my stomach, witnessing this man smile inside and slightly out as he relived this killing all over again, captivating his audience. He talked about how he planned this for a long time, the two swords he made to fit up both his arm sleeves and drop out like giant switch blades upon release of his wrists. I could see the excitement of this man, reliving his murderous crime over and over again and all I wanted to do was walk out of the class and get sick. In prison we have to live with men who have committed many terrible crimes, some worse than others. I'm no saint myself, but some men in here are monsters that never deserve to see the light of day. There's just one more class left, then it will be over with, I just can't wait to put this class behind me and be done with it once and for all.
8/16/14 –
I'm probably the one and only inmate in Madison Correctional Institution with poison ivy. A few days ago my teacher brought in a bunch of various tree clippings for us to sort out and identify, using both English written tree names and Latin as well. I've been studying the names and pictures of these plants very hard lately, so I was very quick to jump right in when given the opportunity to look at and touch the actual plants, rather than having to study a picture. I looked at and touched every clipping my teacher brought in, studying the leaves, stems, petals, branches and all. Unfortunately my teacher must have cut some plants and branches that were once touching poison ivy, because now I have it all over my hands and it's quickly spreading to other areas of my body. I've been around poison ivy many times in my adult life, working for tree and landscape businesses, personal gardening, foraging through the woods with my children etc., but the last time I can remember having poison ivy was as a child. All this time of being exposed to it as an adult, I assumed that I had developed an immunity to it. Now after all these years, I catch it in the oddest of places, prison. Go figure. Strange enough is the fact that they sell calamine lotion in the commissary; maybe calamine is used for more purposes then just poison ivy. What's unfortunate is that I have to wait until next Wednesday, which is our store day, before I can even purchase the calamine lotion, at which time I'm hoping I won’t even need it by then. Oh well, such is life in prison.
8/17/14 –
Yesterday was my good friend and celly, Kurt’s' birthday. I would have to say that he had the best birthday possible for and inmate in a state prison. I did everything I could to make him feel thought of and appreciated. I left a birthday card on the desk for him before I left the cell for breakfast, giving him time to wake up and read it. I don't think Kurt even realized I knew it was his birthday. Birthdays in prison aren't exactly something that some of us are happy about having. Kurt and I both don't like the thought of getting older in here, but deep down we want to be cared about by someone else, I think I can connect with him better than anyone right now because we're both in the same situation, disconnected from the rest of our loved ones. As I returned from breakfast I joked with him, calling him the birthday boy, giving him a hard time about growing older. I could see a smile as he thanked me for what I wrote in his card. This may sound a little odd to someone reading, but I don't really care what others think, Kurt is by far the best friend I've got, in and outside of these prison walls. I have no doubt that our friendship will last for the rest of our lives. Later in the evening we put together a deluxe meal, made from both food from the commissary and brought back from the chow hall as well. We made a chicken alfredo meal, with butter, powdered milk, garlic and other seasonings and macaroni noodles. It might not sound very tasty to someone on the outside, but in here it was a five star meal. I don't normally eat unhealthy meals like this, but birthdays don't come every day.
8/18/14 –
I just had the best video visit ever yesterday. My mothers' side of the family is all staying at my parent’s cabin in Gatlinburg Tenn. for a little family vacation. So my mom set up a video visit for all the family to see me. That was the most attention I've had in years! It felt great to see so many loving faces of people I've missed and haven't seen in a long time. One by one they all took turns in front of the computer, their big smiling faces, extending warm wishes and love. Words can't describe how good it felt to see so many of my loving family members taking the time to say hello to me. For so long now I've felt that many of my family members wouldn't want to talk to me anymore, I hurt all of them through my addiction, deceiving, stealing, destroying peoples' hearts through my decisions as an addict in the grips of a deadly addiction. Yesterday was a reminder of the unconditional love that radiates throughout my family, warming my heart and soul, giving me more hope and courage then ever of one day restoring at least a piece of the companionship I had once lost with my family and have so missed for far too long. So many of my little cousins, not so little anymore, growing older, probably not even realizing who I am, or remembering me, but one day they will, one day I will be a part of my wonderful family once again. One day I'll be trusted and loved as any other cousin, nephew, or uncle, not just that man on the computer, talking to us from some prison somewhere...
8/19/14 –
This has been by far my worst month for running yet this year. For the last two weeks the yard has been closed for several various reasons, leaving me with enough days of running to count on only one hand. Now, as a result of poison ivy spreading throughout my body, even with the yard open I'm unable to run. I ran the day before yesterday, 6.25 miles and after I finished I was unbearably uncomfortable. The sweat on my body irritated the poison ivy. Hours later, after having washed up I noticed that the poison ivy spread over my body in many more places than before I ran. So I decided not to run until the poison ivy is gone completely. Today I can tell it's starting to dissipate, but it's not gone completely, so I've decided not to run again today just to be safe and it's driving me crazy. Some of the guys in here say that I have bad luck and I have to agree, it's the story of my life, which is why I'm terrible at being a criminal. LOL. The worst part of being in prison is that I still can't buy the necessary calamine lotion until my designated store day which is tomorrow. This is why many inmates try to stock up on things like cold and flu medicine to be prepared for sickness, but who would have thought one would have to prepare for something like poison ivy in prison?... Obviously nobody else because not a soul in here has a bottle of calamine lotion, trust me, I asked almost every one of nearly two hundred inmates in my block, most guys didn't even believe me when I said I have poison ivy. Better believe that from now on I'll be keeping a bottle of calamine on standby.
8/20/14 –
It's amazing to me how much my day is directly affected by whether or not I work out. Not being able to run much these last two weeks has taken a major toile on my mental stress, health and energy level. I find myself on edge, little things that normally wouldn't bother me are irritating, I find myself sad when I shouldn't be, I get tired more easily, aches and pains from sitting down longer in the day are setting in, and the list goes on. Exercise has become like another drug to me, I have to have it or I just don't feel complete, except this time I'm hooked on something that's good for my life, something that improves the quality of my life instead of destroying it and now I can't live without it. My poison ivy is almost gone; before you know it I'll be back to running and working out in no time. I just hope it happens sooner than later.
STEVEN DYBVAD
