September 24, 2014
I realize that part of the reason my state of mind changes for the worse this time of year is also because of all the holidays, birthdays and family get together coming up. This used to be my favorite time of the year growing up, but after I started using drugs and getting into trouble I could sense the tension I created among my loved ones, the smiles, hugs and warm welcomes slowly began depreciating with time, the wall I built between us grew thicker and taller, eventually I started missing holidays due to being jailed, on a binge or hung over, then after that I just stopped going to family events all together because I knew I would spoil the party, people would be watching me to make sure I wasn't using drugs, or stealing possessions for drugs, instead of enjoying my company I would've been ruining everyone's holiday and that was a horrible feeling, causing me to just want to use more drugs to forget about the world I created when I should have been using those feelings as determination to change, get sober, become a successful and contributing member of my family. I still feel horrible when I think about those days of my life, it's very difficult to write about this even now, yet I know today that writing about my shortcomings is an essential step in growing, thus securing the success of my future. In a couple days I'll be turning 35, keck it's tomorrow. I can't stand the thought of growing older in prison; it's another cold reminder of all the years I've wasted away as a drug addict. My daughter will be turning eighteen next month, and then Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here. This is what makes it so hard for me this time of year. Having to think about my grandmothers health and possibility of passing isn't helping any either. But let me turn this around for a second. I've come so far in my personal recovery, no matter how down I feel, I continue to push myself each day, working towards completing my goals, at the end of each day feeling a little better, glad I pushed myself to continue on this higher path in life that is more rewarding now even in prison then any day was on the streets in active addiction, destroying my life and hurting the people around me.
