October 29, 2014
Today is my daughter, Caitlin's eighteenth birthday. Time has passed by so fast, now my beautiful baby girl is a young woman. I've missed out on too many precious moments in her life, I've been absent from her life for far too many years. I was just seventeen when Caitlin was born, a junior in high school, already teetering on the edge of addiction. I was far from prepared to take on the responsibilities of a father, to be a provider, giving direction and guidance to another human being, heck I needed my own guidance and direction. So I lived each day with the mindset that I needed to have fun and party as much as possible, then take on the responsibilities of a father once I got it all out of my system, but that day never came, I never got it out of my system, partying with impunity made me the addict I am today. So I lived each day with an "I'll change tomorrow attitude", but tomorrow never came. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and months to years and now, today my daughter is an adult. I talk to Caitlin as often as I can, sometimes skyping through JPay. In the last 3 1/2 years of my stay in prison I've only seen her on a physical contact visit twice, once at Lebanon and once here at Madison, mostly because she's so busy, with piano lessons, guitar lessons, singing lessons, school, now college, school theater and plays, babysitting, boys and many other things that a teenager would rather be doing then coming to visit her absent father locked away in some state prison. My daughter needed a father in her life growing up and I robbed her of that. I just thank God that Caitlin even still talks to me, I thank God that she's willing to give me another chance to form a better relationship with her in the future, a chance to show her just how much I truly love her when substances are no longer a factor. All the precious moments I missed in my daughter's life continues to eat me up inside now that I'm sober and conscious enough to realize how much pain I've caused, but I no longer dwell on such things, now I look to the future, I can see where a life of sobriety and success will lead me and I use that as fuel to keep moving forward.
Steven Dybvad
