December 11, 2014
Counting the days and marking them off. It's weird because it almost feels like I'm waiting to be released from prison, and in a sense I am waiting to be released. Inmates call cell isolation and the whole 'jail' here in prison because it kind of sort of is. When an inmate gets in trouble in prison, the guards place us in handcuffs and haul us off to 'jail' taking away what little freedom we have in here. For many inmates, the day to day life in general population here in prison is the closest they're ever going to get to feeling freedom. So it does feel kind of like going back to jail all over again, and now I'm counting the days, waiting to be released from a prison inside of a prison. What makes it even more difficult for me is that this was all together undeserving and therefore unexpected, making every day in cell isolation frustrating and unwanted. If I had actually smoked some pot, or used some other substance I would have been prepared for such a punishment the moment the prison screened all of us, ready to accept my punishment and reap the fate that I'd sewn for myself, but that's just not the case. I think what's most difficult of all is the fact that I won’t have the privilege of calling home to my family and children this year to wish them all a Merry Christmas. I have to think is my children going to sit and wonder why daddy didn't call home this year, if they find out what's really going on are they going to wonder if dad's really continuing use drugs after all that's happened and if I'm ever going to change my ways?..!..?.. Now that I really don't deserve. I've worked so damn hard over these last few years to achieve the exact opposite in terms of trust from my family and now forces beyond my control have attempted to take that away from me, but I digress. One day I'll look back on all of this and be thankful for the difficulties I had to face in prison, helping me to become a stronger man for the future, taking control of my life and my addiction, conquering the powerful and disturbing recidivism rates that surround men returning to prison. But for now I count the days, waiting to be released back into general population so that I can get back to my normal, productive day to day routine in prison, running miles on the track, practicing my guitar, utilizing my weight room schedule, calling home on the weekends, carving soap at night and so much more....
Steven Dybvad
