December 04, 2014

The other day I was looking through albums on the Jpay machine in search for some soothing songs of Christmas, to my surprise I came across a collection of 100 classis Christmas Hits for only $10.00. Of course I couldn’t resist, so I purchased the album, it took twenty minutes to download the entire thing, frustrating some of the other inmates waiting to log on the kiosk behind me, but it was well worth it, I’m never rude or waste too much time on the machine, so for the most part the other guys understood. I first decided to purchase some Christmas music because I just wanted to get in the holiday spirit, missing my home, my family, desperately wanting to feel some part of this special time of year, connecting me in some way to the joyful experience that goes hand in hand with the holidays. I’ve always loved listening to classic Christmas songs growing up, it’s been a part of some of my best memories for as far back as I can remember, it reminds me of so much love amongst family, all gathered together under one roof, laughing, joking, eating lots of good food, exchanging gifts with the sounds of Christmas music softly playing in the back ground, now what’s not to be loved about that. Something about Christmas has always made my heart feel so warm and peaceful, reminding me of a better time, a time before my addiction, before all the lies and sins. I want those times back so badly, I want my children to love Christmas the same way I do, and I know that they are, they’re just enjoying it without their father around and that hurts. As I sit here listening to all these classis songs I remember as a child, a crazy mixture of emotions rise from both ends of the spectrum, I feel happy and peaceful and at the same time sad and depressed, but this is what I expected, this is a burden of my own creation. Christmas now reminds me of both a time of innocence and my self-destructive demise at the same time which is amplified by these prison walls. What’s most important for me to point out is the fact that I actually feel better this year than I have in many years and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it’s all because I now live an honest life, a life that’s driven with ambition and fueled with the new found love that I have for life and future and family. I not only have hope for a better future, I have a calming sense of peace in knowing that my future will be better because I’m in control of my own destiny, my mind is clear, I know what necessary steps I have to take in order to maintain sobriety, secure employment, financial stability and stability for my children. I work each day of my life in preparation for a successful future, I no longer live a lie, which in return rids my conscious and my soul of so much guilt that I’ve held onto for so many years, freeing me from the heavy chains that have kept me from moving forward for far too long. I can finally love myself again, I can finally enjoy Christmas again, and today I love it through 100 of the best classic Christmas hits of all time. What’s cool about the music I purchase for my tablet here in prison is that it’s not a total waste of money because my tablet has a USB port that enables me to download all of my music to a computer at home and transfer to a smaller, more up to date device to play and listen to in the ‘real world’


Steven Dybvad

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