December 15, 2014
Something as simple as not receiving any mail or emails from family or friends in a while can cause the mind to wander and worry. Over the years these kinds of worries and concerns get easier, but sometimes I just get a strange, eerie feeling, I start to think that maybe something bad has happened to one of my family members and nobody knows just how to tell me. I remember when my aunt, Norma passed away almost two years ago while I was at Lebanon penitentiary, nobody contacted me or told me that she had passed and yet something inside told me she was gone, I could sense it so strongly that I just knew it to be true before anyone could even tell me. I called home and talked to my dad, I told him that if something had happened to Aunt Norma I should know and that I was capable of dealing with such a tragedy in prison. My mother had told my father not to tell me just yet for fear of how I would cope, but my father could tell through our conversation that I already knew. This has amplified my concerns for something happening to another loved one and being kept out of the loop. Often I get these unexplainable feelings that something bad has happened, I start to worry, having no contact or connection to my loved ones only makes it so much worse. I can’t just get ahold of someone at the drop of a hat, check in and make sure everything is alright, so when I don’t hear from someone it only makes things worse, my mind creates scenarios, thinking that something bad has happened again. I watch my local news, hoping and praying that I don’t see something bad happened to a family member or friend. My grandmother is getting older and more frail, I fear that she’s worse than people are telling me because they don’t want me to worry or have more stress than I already have in prison. What they don’t understand is that keeping such things from me only makes me worry even more. When I don’t hear from anyone I automatically think that something bad has happened and nobody wants to tell me over an email or a letter. More than likely I’m just worrying for no reason, besides it’s the holidays and I’m sure everyone is extremely busy and just hasn’t had the time to stop and send me a message. They also don’t understand how badly something as simple as having no contact with someone outside of these prison walls can become so serious. No one else in my family has been stupid enough to screw their life up over drugs or wind up in prison. The only person I have to blame for all these worries is myself.