September 10, 2015
These last couple of weeks in prison have been extremely and surprizingly difficult for me. I know this must be hard for an outside reader to understand, seeing that I’ve been in prison for the last 4 1/2 years and I’m leaving in just a few short days. One would think I should be unable to contain my excitement. My thoughts and emotions are somewhat difficult to explain, as they are difficult for me to understand myself. So I’ll do my best to elaborate. Much of what I’m feeling is an overwhelming amount of anxiety, which is in return transforming into what I can only describe as a form of deppression. How can this be possible you say? Well, for the last 4 1/2 years my life and my goals have been predictable and somewhat easily attainable just as long as I remained focussed and stay out of trouble. Well in just a few short days I have to start actually working on what I’ve been preparing for all these years. It’s a scary feeling. I know what I have to do to be successful and I also know that I WILL DO IT. But the reality is that in order to reach my goals for life, I have to work harder than I’ve ever had to work for anything. And not only that, life always throws a curve ball, problems and issues are just a part of life. Let me clarify that I have no doubt that I will achieve my goals for success. But to think that this achievement will come easily would be ignorant of me. I have zero reservations about doing anything stupid, like return to the life of crime and substanceabuse, this is not a part of my anxiety. The simple fact is that my new life is about to begin. I just want everything to be perfect. But no man or woman’s life is perfect. We all have snags and bumps in the road and we should all try to plan and pepare for such snags. Like any other strong feeling, emotions need a release valve, they need to find a way to the surface. My anxiety is just so strong and overwhelming right now that it’s just mutating into other things. It’s trying to take the whind from my sails, it’s robbed me of my energy and motivation, much like deppression has done to me in the past. Fortunately for me, I’ve found healthier ways of alleviating such dabilitaing feelings, through fitness, prayer, meditation, and writing. I continue to get up each morning and run miles on the track, do pushups, crunches, pullups, dips, squats, lunges. I continue to read helpful passeges from my bible and other meditational books. I talk with friends and family, taking their helpful advice. Even writing this blog entry has made me feel a little more at ease. I think having these anxious emotions is very healthy for me. In fact I think I would be very worried if I didn’t have these feelings. In the past, all the other times I was released from prison or jail, I never had these feelings before because I knew I was just going back to the same way of life I always lived, with no goals for anything other than getting high. Well all that’s changed. My new life after prison is full of responsibility, accountability, and ownership of my actions and choices. A responsible life is anything but easy. So to be full of all these concerns is only natural and healthy. Thank God, I finally have a conscience.