January 19, 205
After looking back at some of my recent writings, particularly my blog entries from many of my struggles on cell issolation, I realise that some of my venting may have been misconstrued as blaming or lashing out at my parents. I just want to make it clear that I in no way blame my parents for any of the trials and tribulations I face in prison or in life. I’m not at all confused about the world that I alone have created for myself. After being sent to cell issolation for a false urine screening, I was desperately reaching out for help to resolve this issue from others. There’s a general consensus amongst inmates in prison that when faced with injustices made by prisons, the best way to fix the problem is by getting family and other outside connections involved with taking any necessary actions against the prison. Men that have been in prison for decades say that connections outside of prison, shaking up the inside is the most affective way to get results. This prison was going against their own policies to keep me locked on cell issolation, guilty of using a substance I haven’t touched in over three years. I felt as if my hands were tied behind my back and the only way to resolve this injustice would have been through help from my family. I was an emotional wreck, unprepared for the unexpected issues that life throws our way. I’ve spent so many years creating my own problems, I walked around ignorant to some simple facts of life. I so desperately wanted this problem to be rectified, I wanted all the hope, trust and faith in all the good works I’ve done over the last few years to be redeemed, when in fact it had never been taken away. I am a major work in progress, I don’t claim to have it all together, I have so many things to work on, so many thinking errors from a life of substance abuse still find it’s way to the surface, capturing the forefront of my thoughts and emotions. I spent a lot of time thinking that there was more that my parents could be doing to help me solve this problem from the outside, when what I should have been doing was understanding that this is exactly what it is; (my own problem.) I’m an adult now, I have been for far too long. My substance abuse created an extremely unhealthy dependency, not just for my parents, but for anyone who was willing to support me and take care of me. I see now that this was an extension of that old dependency rising to the surface again. As a man, I have to take control of my own life, in all aspects of it, I need to solve my own problems, stabilize my own future and most of all, I have two children that need a strong, sober and responsible father that they can depend on.