MONDAY, JANUARY 19, 2009
This morning I finished reading the story of Sisyphus. Understanding Greek myths has helped me better prepare for the road ahead.
Sisyphus was a man who was condemned to Hades as a consequence of his misdeeds. For an eternity, Sisyphus was required to roll a boulder up a hill. Each time he reached the top, the boulder rolled down again, requiring Sisyphus to start from the beginning. At times prison can feel like a similar punishment. Just when the adjustment feels as if it's working well, disaster can strike. The prisoner must pick himself up and begin again.
In December 2008 I was in my eighth month of confinement. By then, I felt as if I really had my adjustment in order. I was reading, exercising in healthy doses and writing. I was in control. Only five more months of prison awaited me. I felt as if I were as prepared as possible for release.
Then, without warning, I learned that my beloved dog Honey had passed away. At that moment I knew that my life had forever changed. Despite the need I felt for comfort, I had a sentence to serve. I had made significant strides in my mental adjustment over the previous eight months. Adversity and difficulty were part of the human experience and I could not allow myself to fall apart.
Prior to the growth I had made as a result of my imprisonment, I lacked a strong enough center to cope with difficulty. When I learned of my troubles with the criminal justice system, for example, I lied and refused to accept responsibility. Instead of acting responsibly, I sought solace through midnight runs for double cheeseburgers and marathon sessions of online chess. In prison, there are no escape routes to hide from loss. Although the sudden news of Honey's death shook me at first, I felt as if my measured reaction demonstrated a new maturity or revolution. Instead of allowing personal challenges of my life to derail me completely, the lessons I had learned prepared me to respond appropriately. I felt more composure, more equanimity, more capable of evening out the vicissitudes of life.
Earlier this month I was hit with more news form the "real world". A message from home threatened my stability. As a consequence of my criminal conviction, I received word that a lawyer had launched a lawsuit against me for a considerable sum. I had to acknowledge that the imminent end to my imprisonment would not bring an end to my struggles. More to come.
