Commitment to Growth

August 21, 2015

If you read my recent article in the August issue of Outpatient Surgery (link in my last blog post), you know that following the events at ArthroCare, I had a tremendous amount of work to do in the area of personal growth. I started this process prior to my arrival here at Taft primarily by taking an eight week course in Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction and seeing a psychologist over a period of several weeks. These efforts however occurred as a result of needing to address specific issues rather than as part of a concerted effort to deal with my role in what happened at ArthroCare. The reality was that given everything that was going on in my life (FBI target, indictment, plea agreement, sentencing, prison prepping),I was not mentally able to step back, look at what I needed to do and put a plan for growth together.

Once I arrived here at Taft Federal Prison Camp and began to acclimate, I finally got to a place mentally and emotionally where I could truly reflect on what happened, how I got there, how I wanted to change and what I needed to do to accomplish that.

The Outpatient Surgery article pretty much covers what happened and how I got there. So in this post I’ll focus on what I feel I need to change and what I need to work on. Get ready and kick back – it’s a long list!

One of the things that became quite clear to me is that I have never been particularly good at reflection. My philosophy was always “the past is the past.” While I do think it’s not good to dwell in and/or relive the past over and over, it’s worth trying to figure out why I believe the things I believe, think the way I think, have the traits I have and do the things I do. The irony is that I have a great deal of interest in learning and understanding these things about other people – especially those I care about. But when it came to me, I didn’t want to dig too deep. I was much more interested in doing than reflecting and just being. Working, working out, watching tv (so much great tv!), having cocktails (so many cocktails!), checking Facebook (oy!), reading the NY Times, never sitting still!

Next on the list – let go of “DAVID APPLEGATE” – the “persona” I created back in the ’80s (this will make more sense if you read the article). Why do this? I have a wonderful husband whom I have been with for over 30 years, many friends whom I love dearly and who love me and many colleagues who respect me and enjoy working with me. So this one is a bit trickier as this “character” is tightly intertwined with the real me and there are many attributes that I want to retain. It’s an ongoing process but I need to let go of the uber risk taking, that person that always has everything under control and doesn’t need help, the overconfidence, the ends justifying the means, the constant striving to be successful (whatever that means!).

I need to continue to explore and deal with my lifelong obsession with being liked, accepted and praised, found attractive, pleasing people and being popular. The key here is obsession. These traits are typically fine in moderation but not when they interfere with who you want to be and your goals in life.

I needed to come up with healthier ways to deal with stress and the constant negative chatter going on in my head. I also realized that fear had taken over my life. Multiple martinis were clearly not the healthiest way to deal with either of these issues.

Finally, I needed to forgive myself for letting so many people down with my husband Ken at the top of the list. Nobody is better at beating me up than me!

Whew! Yep, although it may have appeared to my friends and colleagues that I had it all together and was handling everything just fine, I was pretty much a mess! The good news is that I have made tremendous progress. I’ll get into that in the next few posts.

Thanks for listening!

With gratitude,

David

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