May 27, 2014

Depression and Prison Time

For many years I’ve been fighting with depression. Over the past couple years of my sobriety and refusal to take anymore antidepressants, anxiety, or sleeping medications, I’ve come to realize that the severity of my past depression stemmed from my substance abuse and my guilt for the people I hurt in the process. As more time goes by, I rarely get down on myself anymore. In fact the last time I was a little depressed was last Christmas. Holidays are always hard for me in here. Don’t get me wrong, I still get upset when I haven’t seen my family in a while, or I hear something displeasing about one of my children, but it’s much different than my past depression, it’s not debilitating, it doesn’t steal the wind from my sails anymore. I just keep pushing through each day, maintaining my routine, fulfilling my goals. Having said that, I would have to say that today my depression has gotten the best of me. My daughter, Caitlin graduated from school last week, my son, Taylors’9th birthday is next week and to top it off I made my poor, sweet, loving mother feel bad yesterday during our video visit. Of course I didn’t intend to make her feel bad, but I should have known better. My mother does so much for me, my children and the rest of my family that she spreads herself thin. I was asking her about why she hadn’t yet taken care of some mail and some other things that to me might seem like simple things to me, but to her, with all that she has on her plate is a lot of extra work. Being cut off from the world for the last three years has made it difficult to grasp the concept of time and the busy pace of life. I somehow made my mother feel as if she was neglecting me and now I feel horrible. Depression is weighing me down today, but even through all this, I’ve been able to maintain my daily goals, sticking to my routine, refusing to allow sadness to control my life. This is a major step for me, my recovery and my growth to a successful man and ultimately living a better way of life.

Steven Dybvad

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