October 15, 2015
The Countdown
I lay awake at 1:55am with my mind running full speed in every direction as I watch my beautiful wife as she sleeps. The biggest countdown of my life has reached its tipping point. With my surrender date rapidly approaching, I realize that I am just 72 hours from leaving my wife and children for what feels like an eternity. As I write this, the entire house is asleep, yet soon after my first 2 sentences, my 1 year old son begins a belting cry like I have never heard before. He never does that. Does he know? Does he feel like something is about to change? Is this his way of begging for one extra hour with daddy, knowing that he has my undivided attention in the wee hours of the night? That’s what it feels like. The feeling is sickening. Knowing that that it was my horrific choices are resulting in the separation of me from my beautiful family, the twisting of my stomach remind me of how grave my mistakes were. As I right this, my son is still crying, so I am going to go give him that hour that he wants, hold him, and remind him that everything is going to be ok. I will be back in a few…
I write this blog in an effort to self-reflect on life, develop a deeper understanding for what it means to be a good man, and share with you my journey of redemption. As you can see, I have chosen to remain anonymous, as to respect the privacy of my family. This blog is for the eyes of those that care about my family and I, and for those that have a desire to see progress, determination, and true character emerge. After all, redemption is not for the public, but for one’s own soul and for his loved ones.
I am convicted felon who has been sentenced to six years in a federal prison. I am scheduled to surrender to Taft CI, a minimum-security federal prison camp. As my day of reckoning nears, I fumble back in forth with periods of emotional instability and periods of strength. And it really depends on the day. One day I believe that this is feels like death, where I struggle to even breathe knowing that my wife and three boys are about to pay the price for the bad choices I made. The next day, I have strength, believing that something good will come out of this journey, and we will overcome the obstacles that stand in the way. It’s anybody’s guess what kind of day it will be.
My wife is an amazing woman. She has stood by my side over the past year as this situation unfolded. She has united our family, motivated us, and solidified the belief that nothing will stand in the way of us overcoming the challenges that lie ahead. Amazing. After all, my crime was news to her too, as she was devastated, angry, and in disbelief that her loving husband could have made such horrific choices. And yet, she still stands here, believing that I am a good man at my core. Incredible. I owe her everything. I genuinely believe that I am good man, by my wife is the person that afforded me the opportunity to prove it. I adore her.
As I write this, its 3:06am, and my oldest son who is five years old, just walked up to my desk asking if I could rub his back. Of course I will buddy. I will be back in a few…
I am back at my desk as he falls back asleep within minutes. Shortly before he falls asleep, he says, “Daddy you are my best friend.” I have been realizing that my oldest son knows something is changing too. What five year old chooses to tell dad that he is his best friend in the middle of the night? While he is too young to comprehend any details, he knows that daddy will be leaving soon to go work far away and that he will not be living at home. And no joke, as a I write this, my 3 year old middle son peeks his head around the corner asking to have his back rubbed. You think this is a one-off type of night? Nope. This is every night. My two older boys come to my side of the bed seeking me out so they could have some attention. All they need is the comfort knowing that daddy is there. I cannot imagine how they will feel when they wake up and realize that daddy is not there.
I change my mind. It really does feel like death. While many say it could be a lot worse like bad health or cancer, where actual death can occur, to me it feels even more morbid than that because I actually know the exact day and hour of departure from my family.
There is no question I have the most supportive family on the face of the planet. Every single member of my family and my wife’s family has stood strongly behind us, wanting us to persevere. Each person has played their own role in helping us do so. I am forever indebted to them for all of the love and support they have given. They all could have run full speed in the other direction with my actions of distrust, but they too have the belief that I am a good man that deserves a second chance at life.
A very wise mentor of mine told me the other day that the hardest part is over. The uncertainty is now gone, and there is finality to our situation as we know what lies ahead for the next several years. For me, it’s hard to believe that because I am still right here holding my wife in my arms, rubbing my children’s back, and embracing every moment I have with them. So I have a contrary belief that the hardest is yet to come.
The only way we can persevere is by not treating this like death, but treating this journey as a new chapter in our life. If we treat it like such, it will be much easier. After all, if I am weak, then everybody who I love will be weak too. But if we can embrace our new reality with open arms, we will succeed in moving through this challenging chapter, and emerge on the other side as people with a better understanding of life.
I will stop at nothing to prove to my wife, kids, family, and society that I am worthy of a second chance. Until then, the countdown continues, and I plan to embrace every last moment with the people I love.
