A lot of people have told me that I am being too hard on myself and more people may think that after I wrote about the laundry list of changes I need – and want – to make in my last post. Change is hard but it is necessary in order to grow spiritually. Still, there are many things about myself that I like and don’t want to change – especially the things that will continue to help me grow. These include my capacity to love, my openness to learning, my ability to truly listen and my ability see to see and empathize with other points of view.
Being in prison – although not the course I would have chosen – certainly has its benefits. Think of it like a forced sabbatical. How many of us (other than tenured university professors) get the opportunity to read, explore, learn and reflect as much as we want. I would be crazy not to make the most of this opportunity.
Since arriving in January, thanks to the generosity of my friends, I have read dozens of wonderful books and I have had the luxury of actually digesting them and reflecting on them. I have taken a couple of classes that have been very enlightening – a BOP sponsored substance abuse class and a class on “Finding Your Purpose” led by an inmate who is a good friend and who I find to be spiritually “enlightened.”
I have learned many useful things and it has become very clear to me that the key to incorporating the best of all these learnings is to be present. I have blogged about this before and I am more convinced than ever that this is the key to leading the best life I can lead – a life based in reality, authenticity and love. Now I know this sounds “new agey” but bear with me! Being present (aka being mindful or attentive) sounds simple but its actually quite difficult and most people are rarely present. Its far easier to think about the past, worry about the future, plan our day, get lost in all the chatter in our heads or simply daydream. Mindfulness is a core Buddhist principle. It is simply a non-judging and respectful awareness of the present moment without applying faulty belief systems, expectations or criticism.
In learning and reflecting, I have found that I routinely employ a number of irrational ways of thinking. In practicing mindfulness, I now notice these when they occur and I can challenge them before they lead to behaviors that are not consistent with my goals and who I am. I notice when my first response is to do something solely to be popular. I notice when something causes an irrational fear. I notice when my proposed response feeds into the myth that I have it all under control. I notice when I start to feel shame for things I have done. Am I mindful all the time? No but with practice I have gotten much better. Fear and stress are less frequent and shorter in duration. Reflection is easier. And I feel I am in much better control of the only thing I can control – my attitude!
Another huge benefit of being mindful and present is that I am better able to notice the positives that surround me – even here. Noticing them allows me to appreciate them, which makes me smile. It allows me to internalize them and sends out positive energy. This has resulted in unexpected friendships and makes the days fly by.
I owe a particular debt of gratitude to one person in particular – a very close friend of mine who started me on this path. Her name is Vicki Swenson and she is the one who recommended that I take the class in Mindfullness Based Stress Reduction and read “The Wise Heart: a Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology” by Jack Kornfield. Vicki was well aware of my mistrust of “self help” courses and organized religion and I am so grateful for her gentle nudge.
Thanks for coming along with me on my “journey of growth” and I’ll continue on this topic in my next post!
Namaste! 🙂
David
